


thinking out loud (but you can't hear it)

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Irondad, Marvel Universe, Minor Character Death, Other, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Suicidal Thoughts, Yikes, spiderson, why do we do our boy like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21661915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Superheroes don’t crySuperheroes don't cry in the shower, they don’t let those tears fall after a rough patrol. They don't let the tears mix with the water and watch it go down the drain. Peter wishes he could do the same with his emotions. he wishes they could wash away with every tear.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	thinking out loud (but you can't hear it)

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first work ive written, I'm proud of it and i hope you enjoy it!
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated, im new at this and im always open to Constructive criticism :)

Peter felt guilty

Not the “I shouldn’t have done that” guilt

Not the guilt you can easily brush aside.

No

Peter felt _Guilty_

Because not of what he did do, of what he didn’t do.

Because he didn’t save her. 

“Couldn’t save them”, Tony would try to tell him. That it wasn’t his fault, they always told him it wasn’t his fault, but who's was it? Really, at the end of the day, who's fault is it?

Peter was Spiderman goddammit, how could he be Spiderman if he couldn’t save her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter wondered.

Wondered if what he did was worth it. 

Because for every bad guy peter gets off the streets, 4 more appear. And Peter couldn’t stop them all, even though he tried. He really tried. That’s why he wonders if his life is really worth it. Worth the pain, worth the sorrow. If it’s really worth the grief he causes, because he can’t save them all. 

Peter wonders if living is even worth it. 

If anybody would miss him if he left, he knew May, and Tony would miss him, maybe Happy if he was lucky. 

But would New York miss Spiderman? would they miss the familiar vigilante that was always making mistakes, and as J. Jonah Jameson would put it, would they miss that _menace_. Because that’s all that Peter is, he believes. A menace, a constant bother. A fly in the room that just won’t go away. 

But when it does, nobody notices. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter cries.

Peter doesn't like it, Spiderman shouldn't be so _weak_ , he’s a superhero for Christs sake. 

Superheroes don’t cry themselves to sleep and wake up with a tear stained pillow. 

Superheroes don't cry in the shower, they don’t let those tears fall after a rough patrol. They don't let the tears mix with the water and watch it go down the drain. Peter wishes he could do the same with his emotions. He wishes they could wash away with every tear. 

Tony says it’s okay to cry because it’s how your body keeps your emotions in balanced. Peter doesn’t think that works. He doesn’t feel balanced. 

He doesn’t feel

But he cries

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter wants to remember

Peter wants to remember happiness

Peter wants to remember the times he hadn’t felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Peter wants to remember the times where he felt unconditional love and joy. Because all he feels these days is sorrow and pain.

Peter wants to remember what it felt like to laugh until you cant breath, to laugh until you are sitting there not making any noise but it’s obvious you’re still laughing. Peter wants to remember what it was like to live in the moment and not worry about your future or your past.

Peter wants to remember how to smile. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter feels selfish

To want all these things, to beg a god he doesn’t believe in to give him what he wants. When there are people living in this cruel world, with much less than he has.

He has food on the table and a roof over his head, yet there’s all these things that he wants and they seem so futile to the needs of the people out there. Peter can’t just go home and sleep, when there’s people on the streets who need Spiderman. Peter can’t just give up on them, because he has school tomorrow. ‘Its selfish’ his mind scolds him,’ why are you always so _selfish?’._

How could Peter ever ask for help when there’s others who deserve it more than him.

How could Peter be alive when there’s others who are dead.

How could Peter live, with the blood of so many on his hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen had interrupted the silence to remind him that his curfew was at 11 and that he should start heading back. Peter listened, and turned to go home when he heard the gunshot. Quickly making his way down the alley Karen had told him the gunshot had come from, he stopped when he saw the man. More specifically when he saw the gun in his hand. 

Peter decided to shoot out a web towards the gun and pull to disarm him but before he could the man grabbed the girl and put a gun to her head, before turning to face him. “Get out of here Spiderman,” the man said,“this is none of your business,” 

“It kinda is, you know, ‘cause like, saving people is all part of the package deal in being a superhero”

“I swear to god if you don’t get out of here I’ll blow both your heads off” he growled, tightening his grip around the girls neck. She whimpered in fear and Peter finally got a better look at her.

She couldn’t be much older than he was, maybe 17 or 18? It was hard to tell under the shoddy alley lights. 

But he could definitely see the fear in her eyes, he could definitely tell she was terrified. 

Peter didn't know what to do, the wrong move and the gunman would press the trigger, but he didn't know if talking to him would be any better. He went with the ladder deciding to stall the man long enough so that the police could show. Hoping that they would take care of it. 

“You know people are trying to sleep here.” Peter began, “I don’t think doing this would make them happy”

“Look if this is your attempt at stalling me then your doing a pretty piss poor job of it, so just let me be and you can go home,” 

“That’s the thing i’m not gonna leave unless you let her go” peter tried, “cause if you shoot her you’re gonna go to jail, and it honestly isn’t fun.”

“What do you think I am, dumb? I know that already” 

“No! I’m not calling you dumb I just think that you need to think this through a little bit more, I already know what you look like and I record all of my patrols, so even if you get away I'm still gonna catch you none the less”

“I don't care what you think boy!” the man roared, “I know I’m going to jail but if I’m leaving then I’m taking this bitch with me” 

“No!”, Peter yelled, moving to shove her out of the way, but it was to late. The gunshot rang out and Peter went to stop the man but he was too slow, and the man was long gone. 

He looked back at the girl hoping she was okay, hoping that this hadn’t actually happened, but when he reached her body he knew the answer before he had even gotten there.

The look in her eyes would haunt Peter for years to come. 

Not because they were still. Unmoving.

No 

Because they held this sorrow, this sorrow and pitiful feel of her realizing she’ll never see another day 

She’ll never get a chance to say goodbye or to say “I love you” one more time. 

She’ll never get married or have kids. Or graduate. 

That’s what hit Peter the most. Not only because the death was his fault, but because he robbed her of a future.

Ironic because he robbed her, did something he had stopped so many others from doing. 

Peter was no better than those people. He was disgusting, he felt worthless. He can’t imagine how people will even look Peter in the eyes after tonight.

He doesn’t know how he’ll face himself after tonight. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s how Peter finds himself on this rooftop, not wanting to go home but his body is begging him too.

Not wanting to face reality but his mind his yelling at him too. 

He knows what May will say. That it isn’t his fault and that he did everything he could. But Peter knew the truth.

He always would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter wished he was normal. That he wasn’t the one who got the powers. He wasn’t worthy enough for them. Anybody but him would be a better choice. Ned would have been the perfect role. 

Anybody else

‘Anybody but this monster’ his mind tells him.

And the tears started falling and a sob left peters mouth and he couldn’t hold them back anymore so he cried

He cried and he wondered and he wished somebody was here to hold him. 

Because the only thing holding him together was the intricate stitches of his suit.

And even then he has to take it off.

But Peter can’t be seen crying in his suit. They’d all know the truth, they’d all figure it out. They’d all see who Peter truly was under that mask. Not the suave hero that he pretended to be. 

Peter was anything but suave, he was harsh and jagged and he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth without them fumbling around like a pathetic mess. He couldn’t move with the grace and balance Spiderman could. He couldn’t be Spiderman. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He knows that he should go back home. He knows that Tony would come looking for him after a specific time passes.

‘Time is relative,’ Peter thinks. 

Yet he still goes home. Because he knows if Tony finds him then he has to explain. Because if Tony finds him...if Tony finds him Tony will know how pathetic and useless Peter is as a superhero. 

And so he goes home, and he takes a shower hoping to wash away tonight’s memories. Hoping to wash away the emotions he can’t even feel.

Hoping to wash away the tears that fell

Hoping to clean a wound that would never heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Peter gets up the next morning his body works on autopilot. Dragging him out of bed and taking him into the bathroom to get ready. When he reached the kitchen he noticed May had cooked for him, he appreciated the thought. Even if he still believed he doesn't deserve it. 

He doesn’t deserve to be alive right now, 

But she did.

And the broken memories of last night came flying back, still fresh, but his mind was only throwing salt in the wound. His mind was anything but helping.

He doesn't realize the TVs on until May mentions it.

“Did you see this? God, I feel so bad for her parents, that must be horrible”, May murmurs, looking at Peter.

“What happened?” Peter asked making his way into the living room.

And that's when he saw her. It was her, the girl from last night. The girl that only reminded him of how useless he was. The girl that held sorrow and fear in her eyes and that was because of him.

She was smiling. 

Peter was not.

Peter was not because he recognized her. She went to her school, her name was Emily. She was a senior, and she had recently signed for a full ride to Yale.

She had a future and Peter ruined it. 

Just like he ruins everything, because this was always and forever will be his fault. 

“Are you okay?” May ask, “you look a little pale” 

“I‘m fine May. I should get going, school starts soon.” Peter says, grabbing his backpack and opening the door.

“Okay sweetheart, have a good day at school. I love you!” May calls after him, before picking up the dishes on the table and Peter makes his way to school. Hoping his mind would just _shut up_ and stop yelling at him.

Hoping that he would wake up and this would all be a sick nightmare

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ned looks at him weird when he reaches his locker. It was unnerving, the fact that Ned could just blow past his façade in a matter of seconds.

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve had a rough night, did you even sleep?” He asks, concern laced through his voice and etched on his face.

“I’m fine Ned I promise”

“Are you sure? I’m here for you incase you need to talk you know”

“I know Ned, I didn’t get much sleep last night”

“Oh… well did you hear about what happened to Emily?”

Peter stilled, on his way here it was all he could think about. He contemplated going to her parents in the suit; but he convinced himself it was useless and they’d only be mad at him.

“Yeah.”

“It sucks, for her parents especially. I heard Spider-Man was at the scene. What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it” Peter snapped. 

Ned was taken aback at this, and Peter cursed at himself, “sorry Ned I didn’t mean to snap at you, it’s just fresh and I’d rather tell you later”

“Okay, I get it, I really do man.”

“Thanks Ned” Peter says, wondering how he had a friend this understanding, wondering why Ned even still hung out with a loser like him. 

Making it to his first class, he sits down only to be berated by Flash two seats behind him.

“Hey Penis.” he starts, only for Peter to cut him off with a “go away Flash” and successfully shut him up. ‘For now’ he thinks.

After class Flash’s rude remarks come back, only this time they were relentless.

“Did you hear about Emily? Sucks right, to bad it wasn’t you” he sneers.

Peter distantly thinks he should fight back, say something. But what could he say. 

Why refute something he believed.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
